For Islander next year....

This is the guy.

In sports news, I'd like to direct as much attention to the Bay Area as possible.

Often forgotten in the major sports markets- we don't even have one of those cool espn___.com sites yet- but damn if we aren't doing things this season. I'm saying it right now; every one of our sports teams is the dark horse to win their division, or at least make it to the playoffs (let's start small.)

The big news of course is the sale of the Warriors for the most money in the history of an NBA franchise. It's pretty cool, but I had to wonder what exactly the guy was thinking, especially considering he already has a stake in the Celtics. Isn't there a conflict of interest there? If I owned two basketball teams, I would just make all my best players go to one team and keep the scrubs on the other.

And who the hell is on this team? We got one guy who was made homeless by Lebron James moving to Miami, the best player on the Knicks, a superstar who can't even drive a power wheels, and the best rapper in the NBA.

And Andres Biedrins- quite possible the worst free throw shooter of all time, but damn if his hair isn't always looking great. Perhaps not the team you'd think to just throw money at, but they are definitely an interesting group, especially with the future 6th man of the year on the court.

The only thing holding these guys back, now that a money-grubbing owner is gone, is probably Don Nelson. I'm not throwing Donnie under the bus, but I think that, because he has his all-time wins record, he should step back and let some younger, fresher blood into the organization. A new coach to go with a new owner might be just what the team needs to be competitive this season. If your team is leading the league in points made and allowed per game, you're definitely doing something right, but also something horribly wrong.

I think what will really be telling is how much the loss of Carlos Boozer affects the Jazz. If they go down, I think that may be our opportunity for success. Also, reading this article gets me excited; basically, without Maggette, we only have to worry about one ball hog, which is usually more than enough for a team.

And with the addition of Jeremy Lin, the Warriors now have a hard-working Asian. But more importantly, Lin went to Harvard! After the string of gangsters that came through the Warriors system (Stephen Jackson, Matt Barnes) I'm excited to see some diplomas mixing it up on the squad. Not that I don't love this...

But enough about basketball, it's baseball season, so let's mention two of the greatest players of all time, Jack Cust and Buster Posey. Jack Cust, AKA the Large Legend, is the second-best hitting DH in the AL. And Buster Posey, well, I think even SportsCenter talks about him. If these guys can both keep it up, and Texas/San Diego gets hit with a heatwave, you might be seeing some Bay Area action in the post-season.

It's easy to forget that California exists, especially in the sports world, and certainly if some people make you want to forget we exist....

... but after seeing the Sharks not combust in the playoffs (right away at least) and the Raiders finally dumping JaMarcus Russell, and 49er's looking at a softer division, now is as good a time to jump on our bandwagon. Especially considering the ditch the Philly/New England wagon is sitting in these days.

It's been a long time coming for a rejuvenation of San Francisco sports, considering the fact that every one of my favorite baseball players growing up was accused of using steroids.

And now, for a word from a great Bay Area ambassador.

Crumlish's Side Job

Can Messi do it 5 times in one game though?

Fall From Grace

Where were you when O.J.'s Ford Bronco was being tailed by the 5-0? When Tiger's Escalade crashed? When LeBron made "the decision"? This moment was transcendent in sports, not once even has a sports athlete made such a big deal off the stage, let alone by simply changing teams. Yet can anyone ever really love him again?

Now I am not from Cleveland so I can not imagine how they (or the Supersonics fans) are feeling, but I am just in shock and appalled, like drinking milk out of the container to realize its now cottage cheese and leaves that sour taste that won't go away. It's not because he did not come to my team (though he would be great in the Garden), but this was not proper behavior of a "King". I will be first to agree that America is forgiving, but I see a lot of LeBronfires, and I don't see that sentiment changing soon. Yet the first sighting of Tiger Woods on the course or sign of life in his game and everything was forgotten. The reason is really quite simple, what LBJ did betrayed everything to a fan. So what if Tiger slept with 17 girls, no one really cares, that's his business. Are you that surprised Tiger isn't the best guy?, Jordan wasn't the most graceful, but how they act at home really doesn't make a fan dislike them any more or any less. What they do on the court or course is why you love them and that's why you can forgive Jordan and Tiger for all of their short comings and infidelities. But LeBron's actions "on the court" is where he came up short, leaving us all waiting on "his decision" when he knew it all along. The way LBJ, and Wade and Bosh for that matter, made this a joke. Hiring camera crews to follow them, Wade and his "New York state of mind", it was a fucking shitty MTV reality show. And if this wasn't enough it had to culminate in the most egocentric showing before Lebron had to hand his pride and become Wade's humble guest. How could we forgive a "King" that sells out and crys "HELP". To make matters worse, the "break-up" he made with Cleveland was pretty pathetic. Note to LeBron: Just screening all of Cleveland's calls was not going to make them go away, and saying fuck you, I'm taking my talents to South Beach, on national TV was no way to say thanks to the fans who loved and embraced you for seven years. I'm not saying he had to stay in Cleveland at all, but the annointed one chose to shy away from greatness. These titles, IF they get them, will be theirs, not LeBrons, and his buddy Wade will always have one more in his city. LeBron taking the easy way out, and the way these last two years built up to the LeBroncalypse will be a tough pill to swallow, and the world will be forever changed (seriously a LeBron Fathead is $17.41 a tribute to Benedict Arnold). More importantly, who could have ever thought LeBron could become so vilified so fast, nor Kobe look like an angel, but oh how the mighty can fall.

Scarlets of Sports: Claudia Lampe

As typical drafts, tonight's NBA draft is no different, being over hyped and soon to be overshadowed by some new discovery in the LeBron sweepstakes. This scarlet though is not to be outdone, and I doubt you would consider taking John Wall or the Evan "The Villain" Turner over her. This weeks scarlet is Claudia Lampe, a former Bolivian Model and forward for the UTEP Miners. For a sport that typically does not provide the best eye candy, Claudia brings some decency back to a mediocre game full of fundamentals. Tonight's coverage of the draft will begin at 6:30, until then survive another day in the office.

The Sports Machine Speaks on the 2010 NBA Draft

J'ai Lancé la Merde Hors de la Décision

Koman Coulibaly, the referee in the World Cup match between the United Stated and Slovenia, needs to have a chat with Jim Joyce.  Not only was he consistently bad throughout the match, but he showed Robbie Findley a nonsense yellow card for a hand ball in the box, and he stole a goal that would have capped an unbelievable comeback by the United States. 

The hand ball called against Findley was simply wrong.  The ball did look like it glanced off of his hand, but that was only after it STRUCK HIM IN THE FACE. The contact was purely incidental and in no way should Findley have been penalized.  This would have been a terrible call in and of itself, but it is even more egrigeous due to the fact that it was Findley's second yellow of the tournament.  As a result, he will be suspended from the United States' critical game against Algeria.  Surely the U.S. will appeal the call, and hopefully FIFA officials will listen to reason and drop the yellow.

Sadly, that was not the worst call of the match. That would have to wait until the 85th minute, when Landon Donovan bent a perfect free kick from just outside the box.  Maurice Edu got away from his defender and put the ball in the back of the net for what should have been the 3rd goal for the Red, White, and Blue. However, Coulibaly, possibly driven insane by the jet-engine-decibel-level vuvuzelas, decided to whistle the USA for a phantom foul, disallowing the goal. During the play, Altidore and Bocanegra were clearly fouled by their defenders, not to mention Michael Bradley basically being given the Heimlich maneuver by his man.  If anything, there should have been a call against Slovenia.

As with the Findley yellow card, the call would have been bad on its own. Its potentially far-reaching implications, however, make it an even worse decision. The United States were denied 3 points which would have placed them atop Group C and in control of their own destiny. Now the U.S. must await the outcome of this afternoon's England/Algeria match to see where they stand. In addition to watching their own group, the United States now has to pay close attention to Group D as well. The winner of Group C plays the Group D runner up and vice versa. Group D contains the powerful German squad, Ghana, Serbia, and the Socceroos. Germany is certainly the favorite to win the group, and if Coulibaly's call relegates the U.S. to second place and forces them into a match against the Germans, the Americans, if possible, will be even angrier than they are now.

There is a lot of soccer left to be played though, so we will have to wait and see what happens. This World Cup has already seen its share of unlikely moments, the U.S. comeback against Slovenia being one of them. The Americans were already given some hope this morning, as Germany was improbably defeated by the Serbs. To add insult to injury striker Miroslav Klose, one of their best players, was shown a red card, and will be suspended from Germany's next two matches. All we can do is watch and wait to see if the universe has a sense of karma and Coulibaly's call will have a silver lining. Hopefully Coulibaly has some sense of honor and takes a page out of Jim Joyce's book, apologizing to Maurice Edu and the United States for his error, or at the very least explains the call.

Scarlets of Sports: Amy Taylor

In honor of tomorrows start of the 2010 World Cup, this weeks Scarlet is Amy Taylor, a former member of the Australian Women's 1999 World Cup team also known as "The Matilda's". To her credit, and frankly the entire teams, Taylor appeared on the cover of a nude calendar featuring the team in order to raise funds for the national team. It's athletes like Taylor that really take fan appreciation to heart. We can only hope to have more role models like Amy.

You have to love the enthusiasm of this Socceroo.

Scarlets of Sports: Kristi Leskinen

Although one of the pioneers in freestyle skiing and an X-games medalist, Kristi is better known for winning ABC's Superstars television show. Her talents do not stop there though, as she can just melt the pipe she performs on. We can all just hope to have this twenty-eight year old American waiting back at the lodge when we get in.

Enjoy the incredible work she did for FHM.

Scarlets of Sports: Ana Ivanovic

Beginning this week and continuing through the summer will be the Scarlets of Sports segment. This weeks scarlet is the innocent Ana Ivanovic, who has made the crush on Anna Kournikova seem comical. The 22 year old darling follows in the footsteps of other tennis bombshells, but unlike other eye-openers, Ivanovic has found immense success on the court being the worlds former #1 player winning the French open in 2008 and being the runner-up in the '07 French and '08 Aussie open. Unfortunately for us all, her time in this years French open has come to a close after a quick loss in straight sets 6-3 6-0 to Russian Alisa Kleybanova. Luckily though Ana has provided some polaroids that will evoke more shaking than just the picture.
Take it easy boys, we have a long summer ahead of us.

The Student Becomes the Teacher

Jose Mourhino and Inter Milan reign supreme in Europe defeating Bayern in Madrid, as Diego Milito netted two beautiful goals en route to a 2-0 victory. Although Bayern looked as if it would tie the match at one after halftime, the Nerazzurri were able to withstand the onslaught and blow the match open in the 70th minute after Milito's second goal. This is Inter's third UEFA Champions League title and first in fourty-five years.

UEFA Champions League Finals

After months of competition and waiting the day has arrived to not only crown Europe's premier club, but also hear "The Champions" for the last time this season, which is so typical of each UEFA fixture. Reminiscent of the 1982 World Cup Final between West Germany and Italy, today's game at the Estadio Santiago Bernabéu, will pit Germany's Bayern Munich against Italy's Inter Milan. To make matters even more interesting managers Jose Mourinho and Louis Van Gaal have been trash talking all week, with Van Gaal claiming he "educated" Mourinho to rise to prominence. The match has the entire world watching and all we can hope is that the game fits the bill better than the two hours of Bend it Like Beckham Fox forced its viewers to watch instead of a quality pre-game show.

The Good and the Ugly

The NBA semifinals begin tomorrow tomorrow afternoon with a matinee at 3pm, as the Magic host the Celtics. Of course the NBA would love the Celtics taking on the Lakers in the finals bringing back memories of Magic v. Bird, but could anyone want anything else than these two most hated and loved franchises playing each other for a title. The Orlando Magic have the most dominant defensive player in Dwight Howard and Jameer Nelson is finally taking on a point guard role to win a championship, but will it be enough to stop the freight train that is Rajon Rondo and the three hall of famers. The Celtics look like they have what it takes win after steamrolling over the Lebrons (Cavs), but can they continue this dominance. As KG, whom all of us has found is not as lovable as with the T'wolves, has taken on this role of the joker being the devil, no one really cares about how many people are in his press conference. All we can hope from this series is a slug fest, and that's all we can expect. Dwight will battle KG and any other big man Doc can throw at him, and Jameer will try to contain Rondo, something a terrible basketball player, Moe Williams, could not do. This series has all the makings to be great, we all hope that the good can defeat the ugly leading to Dwight taking on the Canadian ruining everything for the NBA.

Lebron and Calipari to the Bulls?

The NBA's best player and college basketball's most despicable coach together in Chicago? It could happen. Chad Ford says 3 GMs told him Lebron was going to the Bulls and 2 said Cal would join him.  Lebron has visited Kentucky and even made a mock "recruiting" trip to the school.  That is when this picture was taken. I have a source that says Chicago could get Lebron and another superstar.

I know a few people in New York would be upset with that outcome, but Rose and Lebron together would be amazing. Would John Calipari's coaching inabilities follow him to the NBA? Probably, the Nets weren't too great with him back in the late 90's.  His best trait is his recruiting ability, there's no need for that in the NBA.  He is the only coach to have a Final Four appearance vacated at two schools.  That number will climb to three once Kentucky makes the Final Four.

Will it happen? Doubtful. But it could be interesting. An unlikeable coach does not make an unlikeable team.  A bad coach and championships don't go together though and Lebron wants to win many championships.

Lebron, go somewhere with another superstar and some good teammates, that's all we want to see.

The City of Cleveland

Maybe Joakim Noah was right when saying that Cleveland really sucked. With three quarters in the books and the Cavs down 17, you can hear a pin drop in the Quicken Loans Arena. Are you serious Cleveland? The boos are for the regular season, not the playoffs when your season could be in peril. The crowd can't even muster up a DE-FENSE chant when prompted in a fifteen point game. The crowd needs to be a spark right now for the Cavs that look like zombies right now. I guess they just can't wait to say goodbye to Lebron.

The Alien

Known to some as the Most Ridiculous Man in the World (check vitamin water ads), Nash has finally gotten past those damn Spurs and now will battle Kobe for a birth in the NBA finals. His heroics on the court lead one to think though, will he be an extra in the latest installment of Alien v. Predator?

Steve Nash on putting all of your eggs in one basket:

"They are my eggs and I will do with them whatever I please"

Can The LeBron Sweepstakes Please Begin

The NBA playoffs continue tonight as they will for the next month, but our favorite superstar may be taking an early exit. Lebron and his Cavs, or shall I say incompetent ensemble, are in a 2-2 dogfight with the ageless Celts and Rondo as the series heads back to Cleveland for tonight's game five. If the Akron Hammer cannot will his team to a win tonight, I can't see them winning in Boston, thus ending King James season and possibly career in Cleveland. Will he ever be back? DOUBTFUL. If LeBron does not get it done tonight, he will never get it done in Cleveland and order will be restored as he migrates to a large market city. All Knicks, Heat, Nets, Clippers, and Bulls fans please be in attendance to watch the reign come to an end in the next few weeks.
I think Lebron has already made up his decision by his love of the big apple.


Go New York, Go New York Go

The NFL Draft: Oh My God, It's Nineteen Hours Away

Well look what's less than nineteen hours away? The NFL draft. After nearly three months of having to watch McShay and Kiper its about fucking time. Speaking of which, we have a suicide warning: Mel Kiper jr. may kill himself.... soon. It used to be just his show, the lone wolf to battle hours and days of mock drafts, all-day draft coverage, and lone segments, but now Kiper must try to claw tooth-n-nail for his meal ticket as the newer, younger, and better looking Todd McShay has whittled into his air time growing from a young cub into a strong lion. (Sorry, watched A LOT of Planet Earth and Life yesterday, thank you Discovery channel)
Anyway, the NFL draft is where teams become champions. There is no formula, there is no reason. And how either Kiper and McShay keep their jobs each year I have no idea. Their job is like being an expert for March Madness, anyones guess could be right. Shit if Darrius Heyward-Bey could get drafted in the top ten above Crabtree, anything could happen. But like the Madness, we have one long trek ahead of us.

Thats Right.... WE HAVE THREE DAYS. Now as much as I want to be excited, considering I've watched an entire draft (no, I'm not proud I'm seeking counseling), its just too much. There's way too much hype for an event that 99% of people don't care to watch after say round two, maybe late one when their team finishes their pick. And now for the first time, prime time coverage Thursday and Friday night. To me this is a damn travesty. The NFL is in its off season, were in the thick of the NBA and NHL playoffs, and they expect us to drop everything. Is the NFL fucking serious, nobody gives a shit about rounds 3-7. The NFL is just a money hungry whore. What happened to the gold ole' days aka '88-'94 Sunday/Monday event or '95-'09 Saturday/Sunday(Funday) event where it was a nacho and wings man fest. Now its all about the NFL extending and squeezing every dollar out of the event, and its wrong. As much as I am excited about all the trade rumors and moves that could shape the landscape of next years season, I would rather watch live games that will determine what I spend hours each night watching for the month. Instead, I have to make a choice, to put my teams in order of who I care for more. Will my football team get that player we covet like Tom Hanks loved Wilson, or will I watch the next star of the NBA or NHL dominate a game by draining a dagger from deep, or netting a power play goal to end it. Its just selfish, and simply disappointing. Goodell, you should be suspended or fined for violating Man's personal conduct policy.

NOTE TO THE NFL: Please remember as much as we love you, and we do, know your Fucking place and allow us to be with other sports. I and many others WANT to watch the Durantchula, the Akron Hammer, unfortunately the Black Mamba, and all that is the NBA, as well as Ovechkin, unfortunately Crosby, and the rest of the NHL. Although I could wait until the second half to care about and NBA game (though usually do not) the athleticism in the NBA is mind bottling. And seriously, nothing is more exciting than OT playoff hockey, God can only know how any any sports fan wouldn't love the intensity and beards of the NHL. Please allow us to do so.

Roethlisberger's New Nike Ad

Credit to Sportspickle.

Earl Woods's Life After Death Recordings

Installment #1 of how many?


Earl Woods: "Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was. I wanna find out what your feelings are. And did you learn anything?"
Tiger Woods: "Yes, Dad. I learned a lot. I won't act the way I used to. I won't get caught again either."
Earl: "What are you talking about? I want to know why you missed that put on the 14th hole and why you chose to use the club you did on the 17th?"
Tiger: "O ya about that, I'm not sure, but I was trying to get a good quote out of you for use in a Nike commercial in a couple years."
Earl: "Why would you need that? Just keep copying Michael Jordan commercials, let Nike do their thing, and play well and you'll have good commercials."
Tiger: "Yea, well, just be happy you won't be around in a few years to see what's going to go down."
Earl: "Damnit Eldrick, you better win the Masters if you're going to change the world."

I'm glad you and Nike figured out a way to profit from the scandal Tiger.

Late Night NBA Thoughts

Jumping in a little late here, but have been watching games all night. Aaron Brooks' 3 to send the Celts/Rockets game into overtime was nice, but not as nice as watching the Celtics age faster and uglier than uncovered guacamole.

The Hawks looked like they were going to keep it close against the LeBron's, but King James decided to take over the second half and steered the Cavs to a 5 point win.

Kobe looked like his mind might be filled with dollar signs, as hes 4-15 from the field and 0-4 from deep at halftime. However, his teammates picked up the slack, with a 33 point first quarter, and the Lakers lead the Jazz by 9 at the half.

Let's just not discuss the Knicks.

Enough intro, let's jump into the game.

11:39 - Jeff Van Gundy after a no-call on Ron Artest: "I'm not going to call the offensive foul there. Artest blocked and flopped, he's a horrible actor."

Not the worst Lakers actor ever though....and far from the best.

11:53 - I thank God every time I see the Captain Morgan's "reverse ventriloquist act" commercial and am not intoxicated.

11:58 - Bill Walker with three 25+ foot three pointers and a layup in 2 minutes to bring the Knicks within 6. Oracle Arena crowd still on life support.

12:02 - Lee pulls the Knicks within 2, Warriors fans begin to realize there is a game going on.

12:08 - Can David Stern please order Gregg Popovich and Phil Jackson to make a facial hair swap? They just don't look right.

12:10 - Bennie and the Jets should be banned from all sporting events unless you're the Jets or last name is Agbayani.

12:15 - Just realized that the green headbands and other accessories present tonight were for some NBA recycling initiative. Good to see the Knicks participating by getting Tmac his minutes...too bad he repaid them with another knee injury.

12:25 - Apparently Deron Williams stayed at John Stockton's house while he was a rookie. I wonder if there was a curfew.

12:30 - How long can commercials like FreeCreditReport and EducationConnection run with different url's every time before people realize they're scams? How the fuck do these "companies" even have enough money to advertise on TV, are there that many people that are that stupid?

12:35 - After being down 19 in the first quarter, the Jazz pull to within 9 after three quarters. Let's see if they can make this a game.

12:39 - You know how sometimes moderately attractive girls will hang out with ugly girls to make themselves look/feel better? Do you think that's how Jack decides who sits courtside with him?

12:53 - Lakers up by 19 with 6 to go, I've had enough basketball for tonight...and to think, there's still 2.5 month left! I can not fucking wait for baseball to start.

Live at the Masters: HE’S BAAAACK

Is there anything else you could want this year at the masters? Maybe collard greens and fried chicken (Thanks Fuzzy Zoeller). But seriously, Tiger’s triumphant return, speculation if he will answer any of his critics, and even other golfers doubting whether he can win it all, can you say bulletin board material to the most dangerous cat in the field? If those texts are any indication, he may be pounding balls down the fairways and sinking putts down the competition’s throats until they are sore. But what we are all waiting for is the return of normalcy and comfort. The comfort that golf has its heart back. Whether you love him or hate him, you cannot deny his game, his passion, and most importantly, what so many other golfers including Phil do not have, that killer instinct and fist pump. What we WILL witness next week and weekend is easily the most anticipated return to golf since Ben Hogan came back after a near-fatal car accident in 1949 to win the 1950 US Open and what has the makings to be one of the most memorable golf tournaments of our lifetime. But, unfortunately we may be left wondering why were watching re-runs of As the World Turns and not getting to see many live shots of Tiger on Thursday or Friday. As is known, Augusta National Golf Course offers the least amount of Television coverage of any major, although having the highest ratings (Come on it’s a tradition unlike any other) and consistently wields its power to ensure TV networks only get the coverage they are allotted. But guess what folks, Augusta has given us some concessions this year in response to the Tiger sighting. We’ll all be sitting on the couch waiting for Tiger and his group to tee-off on the first hole because that is all we are going to get, especially if he’s in an early tee time. Instead the rest of the day until ESPN’s broadcast from 4-730 PM broadcast, we will all be in the dark hoping to find some feed on the internet and satisfying our urges by… no not Joslyn James, bits and pieces of the tourney through minor segments from SportsCenter, freaking out like an addict trying to get our fix of Tiger after a 144 day layoff. Although this sounds excruciatingly painful, like watching Jean Van De Velde choke, and before you jump out of your office window, take comfort in the fact that at least Jim Nantz will be satisfying all of our needs all weekend as CBS will have coverage 3:30-7 PM on Saturday and 3-7 PM on Sunday. In my mind though this is still fucking bullshit, if these women hating bastards from Augusta do not want to give full coverage then make a pay-per-view event. Although I may be an anomaly, I want to see all of this, and not just because I’m a golf fanatic. It’s because I’m human and love drama even if my boy Tiger is the center of it. So let the countdown begin until the circus arrives at Augusta for the practice rounds and Tiger’s press conference Monday. And may we get beautiful weather for next Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. As a matter of fact give us great weather for Wednesday also since there is a par three contest being held people, duh. Until the weekend, make some bets folks and pray Augusta gives ESPN at least some live coverage of Tiger on Thursday and Friday, and if we can‘t get it, hope that Augusta will give us full coverage of maybe some Joslyn James videos?

Here’s to betting on this glorious event, and mainly me getting my fix? Lines Via Sportsbook.com

Favorite: Tiger +350 - You have to be smoking crack on the mean streets of Baltimore to think he’s not the favorite. I don’t care if he hasn’t played competitive golf in 11 months or has been in and out of rehab. On a bad day he may still be able to beat the field, but when he’s on NO ONE on the tour can touch him. NO ONE, PERIOD.

Field + 800- If you’re a joke and have no backbone then take the field. If you do, do not ever speak to the sports machine again.

Top Tier

Phil Mickelson +900- Phil is no longer as big of a choke artist as he used to be, at least because its not a US Open (2006 Winged foot, 2004 Shinnecock Hills… I’ll go on forever). Lefty has game, he’s got a green jacket, he’s experienced and believe it or not he outplayed Tiger when they were paired together in last years final round of the Masters. Phil is dangerous and he’s hungry, no I’m not making fun of his man boobs, he wants to rain on Tiger’s parade and he would love to bring another one home to his wife, Amy.

Ernie Els +1000- I am not going to throw out stats on the Big Easy, but if you don’t know who Ernie is start watching more of the sports machine. Coming off of a win at Bay Hill, he has the momentum going into Augusta.

Padraig Harrington +1500- In Tiger’s absence due to his knee injury, Harrington dominated winning three of six majors. He has the game to get back to the summit, don’t be surprised if Paddy Power is making a push this weekend.

Steve Stricker +2000- A fixture of consistency on the tour and for the American Ryder Cup team, the number two player in the world, Stricker can putt like the best of them and has a swing as smooth as Jiffy PB. It is about time for him to win a big one, and hey if Trevor Immelman can, why not Stricker?

Retief Goosen +2500- The man’s a winner, and he has proven to come back and play well when it matters. He has won two US Opens and he will want nothing more than to wear a green jacket at the end of the weekend after finishing runner-up at the masters in’02 and ’07. Do not count this guy out; he has as smooth of a swing as I’ve seen, and if he’s leading come Sunday I do not expect him to give it up easily, unless El Tigre comes prowling.

Jim Furyk +2500- What more could this guy want, he’s boys with Joe Torre, has a beak as big as a toucan, but he still has some bones to pick. “The Grinder” as he’s known is dangerous and I see him making some noise next weekend vying for his first Master’s title.


Geoff Ogilvy +2500- The thunder from down under has a US Open title to his resume and would love to add a Masters title. Being a top ten golfer in the world, he has what it takes to take it home.

Sergio Garcia +5000- At this point I don’t know if he will ever win a big one. For all the talent he has, he is just too shaky on the greens. He has the talent to win it, but I wouldn’t trust him with my life standing above a three-foot putt. I guess that’s why they say drive for show, putt for dough.


Young Guns

Rory McIlroy +3000- He’s still a kid, still not even legal to drink in the US, but he’s a BOSS. He had two top 10 finishes at majors in his first year turning pro, and at 20 years of age, we may be watching the future star of the tour, right now.

Anthony Kim +4000- AK set the record for most birdies in a round at the Masters (11) in ’09 and has shown he can play well at Augusta. Is he the future Tiger in American Golf? Either in his golf game or with the women both sound good to me. He’s young, competitive, and tested on the tour, and it may be time for AK’s coming out party. As long as AK gets back to what helped him at Oklahoma a.k.a. getting shit faced the night before, this man can get it done.

Why No One Cares Or Ever Will

As we all are waiting in anticipation for the Men's Final Four (mainly for Duke to lose), the NIT and Women's NCAA tournament are underway. The sad thing is though, we are no doubt more interested in a miserable UNC team v. URI or Dayton v. Ole Miss than any Women's NCAA game. But why? To start, we all know the level of play is just not the same. We do not care about weak layups and spot up threes with a miniature ball, all we want are huge dunks and fast, athletic play. Also, if I hear any more talk about how the UCONN women are so good, I will kill myself. How is anything they are doing interesting? They are blowing out 3 seeds like FSU by 40 in the Elite Eight. Seriously, when the fuck are they just going to make it a 16 team tournament? The games just have ZERO relevance. No joke, the UCONN women's team may have not won a game by less than double digits in a fucking decade. That is not exciting, nor does it make the game worth watching. The parity in women's sports is just not the same, and because of that we will never care about it. In women's sports we watch the same teams dominate every year, and there are no upsets, just bland boring layups. On another note, everyone needs to stop talking about this freshman from Baylor, Brittney Griner. One, she sounds like a dude, and two if you want to be treated and have the same respect as the men, get punished like one. This girl threw a haymaker earlier this year connecting on Texas Tech's Jordan Barncastle, and what did she get? Two measly games. This is a travesty. If Oregon's LeGarrette Blount nearly got a full season in football where the games actually matter each week, how could Griner only get two games. Now I know, everything I say will come off sexist for knocking the women's game, but it just is unbearable to watch, even ask any girl, she will agree. Although some may argue that women's basketball is the purest form of the game out there, and that they play the game the way it is supposed to be played: below the rim, more team oriented and less one-on-one, no one cares or will remember Maya Moore in 5-10 years. Come'on, people wouldn't know who Cheryl Miller was if it wasn't for Reggie and her annoying as hell sideline reporting in NBA 2k10. Which brings me to my last point. We all know who Candace Parker is, dominant player for Pat Summit and the Vols, current WNBA player for the LA Sparks, wife to possibly the ugliest and most retarded Dookie ever, Sheldon Williams, well she has the rare distinction of being the only women to ever win the McDonald's All-American dunk contest. How might you ask, a weak half-assed attempt covering her eyes trying to replicate Dee Brown's 1991 NBA dunk contest winner. Yet who did she rob the title from, JR Smith (Nuggets) and Josh Smith (Hawks) both ridiculous dunkers. I doubt she would have beaten either one of them if they lost both legs. Now I do not mean to be harsh in any way, I just want to bring the facts to every one's attention. To be witnesses of the truth and see the evidence of why no one cares and no one will ever care if the UCONN women tie or break UCLA and Coach Wooden's incredible win streak of 88 games.

Jimmy's Johnson Fucked Your Mom

So Jimmy Johnson will sell me pills that makes my cock bigger, and I can have dinner with a back to back super bowl champion coach?

LOST in New York

Tonight’s “recently on Lost” segment at the beginning of the show had some interesting parallels to a potential scenario for Knicks fans this summer. Here was the conversation between Jack and Richard:

Jack: Why do you want to die?

Richard: I devoted my life, longer than you can possibly imagine, in service of a man who told me that everything was happening for a reason, that he had a plan. A plan that I was a part of, and now that man’s gone. So, why do I want to die? Because I just found out my entire life had no purpose!

During the episode (which was pretty fucking awesome) you basically saw how Richard was brought to the island by Jacob, and was granted immortality. In exchange for this, he had to place himself in Jacob’s service, which he did for over 200 years. Once Jacob died, he had a crisis of faith and blurted out the above comments to Jack. Couldn’t you see an eerily similar conversation between two Knicks fans later this year?

John: Why are you so miserable?

Harry: I’ve been a Knicks fan my whole life. I’ve stuck by them the last 6 years while we’ve been a laughing stock. Things we’re looking up once we hired Donnie Walsh, got rid of Isiah, and hired Mike D’Antoni. I believed that they tried to put a decent team out there, but their primary goal was to have enough cap space for this summer to bring in some quality free agents to pair with the front office talent. I thought we were going to have LeBron, or Wade, or possibly BOTH! I renewed my season tickets, even upgraded my seats because of the promise of a championship quality team. There was a finally a clear plan in place!

So, why am I so miserable? Because LeBron stayed in Cleveland after winning a championship, the Bulls stole Wade out from under us at the last minute, Hell, even Chris Bosh got snapped up by the Zombie Sonics! Our big free agent payday (or should I say theirs) was Manu Ginobli and Shaun Freaking Livingston! On top of that, we drafted Scottie Reynolds and Sherron Collins and then grossly overpaid David Lee. I just blew a thousand bucks on season tickets for the New York Pistons!

Betting on the Sweet 16

The fact that UCLA is not in the tournament makes this picture no less appropriate.

Want to make watching The Sports Machine more enjoyable? Make money while doing it.

Spread-Favorite(Avg PPG)(Moneyline)- Underdog(Avg PPG)(Moneyline)- Total
6 - Syracuse (81.6) (-270) vs Butler (69.8) (+230) - 138.5
4 - West Virginia (72.9) (-190) vs Washington (79.9) (+165) - 142
4.5 - Kansas State (79.8) (-220) vs Xavier (79.3) (+180) - 153.5
8.5 - Kentucky (80.1) (-500) vs Cornell (75.8) (+400) - 147
4.5 - Ohio State (74.1) (-210) vs Tennessee (73.6) (+175) - 134
4.5 - Baylor (77.3) (-200) vs St. Mary's (79.4) (+170) -145
1 - Michigan State (72.9) (N/A) vs Northern Iowa (63.6) (N/A) - 121
8 - Duke (77.6) (-410) vs Purdue (70.9) (+325) - 129.5

• If you like Cornell, bet early. The line started high and is falling as we speak. The public is jumping on Cornell's bandwagon. Most expect Kentucky to win this game and Cornell to cover.

• The WVU line will change tomorrow with news of Darryl "Truck" Byrant's broken foot and for good reason. Many have pointed to WVU not having a great true point guard and now they'll be saying even more about that. But as the folks at Basketball Prospectus have mentioned, it hasn't affected WVU and they control the ball well. If you still believe WVU will stay true to that, then wait because the line is going to shrink.

• Yes, Kalin Lucas is definitely out and yes, that matters. You decide how much it matters: the guys making the lines have thought about this, and you're not tricking them.

• Don't try to tease anything. If you don't like the spread, then take the moneyline. Play single games by themselves.

For stats: statsheet.com/mcb
For betting line trends: covers.com

What my choices are right now:

1. Syracuse is going to the next round, not sure about 'Cuse -6 although they have been shooting light out. Go with a moneyline bet for now in case the spread gets larger, but if the spread gets smaller feel free to double down on this one, Butler can keep it close, but I do not think they can match up with the athleticism or break Boeheim's 2-3 zone.
   
2. WVU with the spread, but wait for the spread to go down some because of the injury. Take the points with Cornell (or the moneyline) just to make watching the game more fun (No don't do that, that's a bad reason to make a bet).
3. I don't know which way the OSU-Tenn line will go, but I like OSU to win, although they may have trouble covering. This WILL be a tough game, as Tennessee is the only team in the country to beat both Kentucky and Kansas this year, and "The Villian" E. Turner has not been shooting well. I see Jon Diebler steping up again, as he and Turner keep Ohio State's season alive.
   
4. Tom Izzo has a week to figure out how to gather his team without Kalin Lucas. Will that be enough?
5. Duke looks to advance and so the line will probably increase as the country believes that.
6. Take Baylor with the line, or if you really want take the -4.5. Everyone is loving Omar "the Sandman" Sanham and his Aussie teammates from St. Mary's. But the game will be played in Houston, essentially a home game for the Baylor Bears. Also, when a team has long, athletic guards like LaceDarious Dunn, Quinncy Acy, and speedster Tweety Carter, and a dominant presence down low in Ekpe Udoh its hard to pick against them and even harder to pick who has a better name. This team can do damage and pose the biggest challenge to Coach Rat(K) and his band of babies.
   

What bets are you making? Put it in the comments.

Dance With The One That Brought You

After absorbing that dagger of a buzzer beater and going through the 5 stages of tourney loss depression, I’m ready to get back into the tournament and root for the little guys. We’ve seen Calipari, Boeheim, Coach Rat, and Izzo in the final four before: boring. Who can be this year’s Cinderella? Let’s take a high level look at the contestants (low seeded small conference schools only, get out of my face Washington):

Cornell- The Smart Chick. We’ve heard about her all tournament, and she’s come through big time so far. I feel like Cornell is able to escape the typical hate that most of the other Ivy League schools so easily inherit, and would venture to say that Cornell is the least hated Ivy League school. In the year of the 5-smart-white-guys-who-shoot-the-lights-out-and-don’t-make-mistakes, Cornell is king. I love the fact that their next opponent is the team in the tournament that they are most different from: Kentucky. Cornell kids are little-recruited, non-scholarship athletes, Kentucky kids are full-scholarship (and then some, John Wall has probably seen his fair share of cars, cash, Ashley Judd conjugal visits, and God knows what else). Cornell kids are smart, white (read: scrappy), and hard-working. Kentucky kids are…well, they are John Calipari recruits. Would love to see this Cinderella keep dancing, but it seems like the clock might strike midnight against the Wildcats.

Northern Iowa- The Country Girl. For years we’ve heard how good the Missouri Valley Conference is, but it’s one of those things you hear and then quickly forget. Probably because it produces a different good team every year: Drake, Bradley, and Wichita State all have made recent tourney runs. Or it might be because no one cares about the Midwest (America's desert). Either way, Northern Iowa pulled off the biggest upset of the tournament to date and pretty much captured the attention of a nation by knocking off Kansas. To top it off, up next they have those dirty, filthy Spartans from Michigan State: the team that has become the epitome of tournament success over the past decade. The guy that hit the biggest shot for UNI was Ali Farokhmanesh, and if nothing else, that is just fun to say. Taking that shot took epically sized balls, were talking Elephantiasis, bowling ball sized balls, and he not only took it but he wetted it. Northern Iowa, in my mind, is the leading candidate to move on at this point, because they already slayed Goliath. Now they just have to deal with that green team from the dirty cesspool they call suburban Detroit.

Saint Mary’s – The Aussie Chick. The Brothers Outback. Where do I even start with this team? They have five Australians and a dude named Sandman. To top it off, Sandman’s nickname is Beast, which naturally he has tattooed on his inner lip. His YouTube nickname is poopshower. and he said this after the Nova game:

“I get it,” he said. “I’m a slow white guy, and I’m overweight. So maybe you don’t respect me because I have good numbers. But after I kill you the first half, what are you waiting for? I don’t know what he wanted. Did he want me to have 40?”

You really can’t make this stuff up. One man does not a team make, but one Sandman makes this team significantly better. Next up for the Gaels is the team that took it one step farther than Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. One thing we know about Baylor, they’ll back up their shit talking. It's going to be one hell of a battle.

All three of these sweethearts could win, or all three could lose. But one thing we know for sure is how awesome March Madness is. Here's to a great second weekend.

The road to recovery is through imagination

As Ford and myself are ardent Terps fans, we had our hearts ripped out today. However bad the loss at the buzzer may have stung we are still proud- much like William Wallace in his final minutes. This year's Maryland Terrapin basketball team was just that, a team. Led by the ACC's POY, Greivis "Mr. GQ" Vasquez, COY Gary Williams knew he had a man he trusted and loved to lead this team. As can be expected, the dagger today left us stunned as we sat silent and motionless, in complete awe of what just occurred to our team. As we were lucky enough to witness the Cliff Tucker buzzer beater in person earlier this year, to be on the other side of the fence was just plain awful. None-the-less, we have found the words to truly represent the road we will take to recovery:

The way I've started to recover is imagining the healing process:

Jordan Williams has a sensational junior year, makes a few All-American teams, and is widely expected to go pro. But he doesn’t. “I have a score to settle,” he says in the press conference announcing his return. Quinn Cook and Mikael Hopkins are sophomores at the time, and Pe’Shon Howard and Terrell Stoglin are juniors.

Maryland has a trademark up and down season, but earns a 3 seed. Jordan wins ACC player of the year. In the second round, they meet six seed Michigan State. Jordan Williams goes for 23 and 19 in an easy win. After easily dispatching a random 2 seed, the Terps meet Duke in the Elite Eight and win in a nailbiter.

The first game in the Final Four, which is in Washington, D.C., is against John Calipari’s Oregon Ducks (it is discovered that John Wall received money directly from Calipari’s bank account, but Nike paid him a heavy sum to coach Oregon before the scandal was discovered). Terrence Ross happens to be the Ducks’ starting SG. Pe’Shon Howard has 23 points that day, and posterized Ross on a fastbreak dunk. Meanwhile, TRoss doesn’t score in Maryland’s 15 point win.

Then they play UCONN and Jim Calhoun, Gary’s mortal enemy, in the championship. Williams has 17, Howard 14, and Cook 12 and 11 assists. Maryland wins on a last second shot by Stoglin falling away. Williams and Williams hug at center court, tears streaming from both’s eyes, finding redemption. Greivis Vasquez, who was named an honorary assistant coach for the game, runs onto the court, playing the part of Jim Valvano, looking for someone to hug.

After the game, Gary announces his retirement. Maryland fans recognize him as one of the greatest coaches ever, and he is inducted into the Hall of Fame the following year. Rob Ehsan is named head coach. Calhoun retires a week later, and everyone knows that in the final battle of Good vs. Evil, Good won.

- Ben Broman

March Madness Day 4 Live Blog

March Madness 2010, Day 3, Running Diary

1:09 - The Sandman, #50 for the Gaels, looks like he's going to cause problems for Nova today...

1:12 - A well coached, mostly white team from the WCC who can shoot the lights out...Hmm I think we've seen this one before (NF)

1:14 - Announcers stunned that Sandman wasn't called for over the back, but I'm pretty sure Nova used up all of their officiating karma on Thursday (BZ)

1:34 - If St. Mary's were to win it all, what's the Aussie equivalent of Disney World? (BZ)

1:43 - Say what you will about Jay Wright but he can wear a suit with the best of them (NF)

1:49 - If Gary Williams were coaching Nova right now, what's the over/under on number of suits he's sweated through at this point? 3.5? (BZ)

1:52 - St Mary's is window shopping the glass slipper right now at Tiffany's... (NF)

1:55 - Coke Zero has it right, scientists need to step up and invent cloning. Not for dealing with chatty girlfriends, but so that we can have Gus Johnson announce as many games as possible. (BZ)

2:01- We can all see that coach Jay Wright looks as cool as a cucumber in his Armani suit, but the over/under is 2.5 chair throws + "come on they're St. Mary's" in the Villa-no-fun locker room during halftime (DW)

2:06 - How fitting that CBS plays TI during the Kentucky montage, im sure Demarcus Cousins has firearms hidden somewhere in his possession. (CL)

2:18 - If Hasbro ever decides to make a Mr. Tomato Head, Verne is available for modeling work. (BZ)

2:24 - Jay Wright's battle cry at this point, "Are you going to let Crocodile Dundee beat you?" (CL)

3:00- Mrs. Sandman has already bought her tickets to Houston. (MC)

3:04 - This time out sponsored by Windex. (BZ)

3:14 - That's not a dagger...THIS is a dagger! (BZ)

3:16 - And the Foster's is flowing at the Opera House! (BZ)

A.T.U.A.O

A Tradition Unlike Any Other. Three weeks. Three weeks until chirping birds, vibrant azelas, the dulcet tones of Jim Nantz, and the greatest athlete/person/texter of our generation makes his triumphant return. You got this Tiger.

Ball?

A brief overview of the history of "ball?"

Men compulsively need to have a ball. Let's be honest, whenever there is a ball in the room, every man needs to have it in his possession. It's really just an instinctual reaction...the room essentially turns into a prehistoric scramble for the ball, with the velocity of the ball exponentially increasing at each subsequent toss, razzle dazzle behind the back passes frequently occurring, and balls getting hucked off the wall or anything else that is sturdy enough to withstand the onslaught. Essentially anything to assert your dominance over the man next to you. This phenomenon can be observed simply by dropping any ball of any size into any room of 3 or more men. Unfortunately, as the pissing contest gets longer and longer, every pass becomes more dangerous...and as we know, all good things must come to an end. As such, there are only five things that can bring a close to the game that is ball:

1. A breaking of the Sports Machine (television). Anything 42" or greater or HD capable requires immediate cessation of the game and a period of mourning, but truly the loss of any sports machine is a tragedy. [Penance: 3+ weeks, NO BALL, and replacement of the Sports Machine as rapidly as humanly possible, pilfering one from the local Best Buy if absolutely necessary]

2. The breaking of an Internet Machine (computer and/or internet capable mobile device). Come on, whats the first thing you turn to when you hear a sports statistic you don't believe/understand, don't know where a random dude played college ball or made his name, or want to find the name of that fine ass chick in the axe commercial? The internet machine is our portal to the world, and the greatest invention since Joey Gutenberg thrust the printing press upon the unwashed masses. [2-3 weeks, no ball and device replacement required]

3. The spillage and or breakage of an incendiary device. This blog doesn't exist without sometimes partaking in the herbal remedies. Not only does this incident reduce the mood in the room to that of a funeral parlor (as would the two above this) but it could also drastically reduce the fun of any future Sports/Internet machine activities. [No ball until device replaced]

4. Overturning a beverage container. Cleaning up a spilled drink is no fun at all, and anybody bent over with a paper towel sopping up the Bud Heavy looks like a fucking asshole while everyone else watches him do it (although we would hope to find a female to help out on this one). This could also directly lead to a #2 incident, adding insult to injury. Also, please use a goddamn coaster, we aren't savages and we respect wood. [No ball until spill is cleaned, offender is silently shunned for the remainder of the session]

5. Putting an eye out. [Laugh, tend to the injured, resume ball]

Ball games are not limited to mere tossing back and forth. Rules, point systems, and penalties can all be implemented, and all add to the fun of the game. Decent ball based diversions will be discussed as they are invented. In addition, these rules can really be applied to anything that can result in a competition, because who are we kidding, anything we can do to relive past glory and be a winner again we will result in the formulation of some kind of game.

(However, these rules are really only guidelines. If the itch to play ball becomes overwhelming, lobbying for resumption of the game can be made and the game can be resumed if IOU's or anything of value (including one's word, if valued) is offered as collateral.

Dude, what the fuck is that shit on your neck?

Shouldn't Houston be called for having six men on the court? Houston shooting guard Aubrey Coleman has the remnants of his unborn twin protruding from his neck and it's fucking disgusting. Did Gary Williams spend half of his pregame speech giving the Terps tips on how not to go Donovan McNabb all over the Spokane Veteran's Memorial Arena? Who knows, maybe it's the source of power that allowed him to become the country's leading scorer... All I know is, if I'm a Maryland player, winning is a secondary goal for me....I just don't want any part of me to fucking brush against that abomination.