Jimmy's Johnson Fucked Your Mom

So Jimmy Johnson will sell me pills that makes my cock bigger, and I can have dinner with a back to back super bowl champion coach?

Dance With The One That Brought You

After absorbing that dagger of a buzzer beater and going through the 5 stages of tourney loss depression, I’m ready to get back into the tournament and root for the little guys. We’ve seen Calipari, Boeheim, Coach Rat, and Izzo in the final four before: boring. Who can be this year’s Cinderella? Let’s take a high level look at the contestants (low seeded small conference schools only, get out of my face Washington):

Cornell- The Smart Chick. We’ve heard about her all tournament, and she’s come through big time so far. I feel like Cornell is able to escape the typical hate that most of the other Ivy League schools so easily inherit, and would venture to say that Cornell is the least hated Ivy League school. In the year of the 5-smart-white-guys-who-shoot-the-lights-out-and-don’t-make-mistakes, Cornell is king. I love the fact that their next opponent is the team in the tournament that they are most different from: Kentucky. Cornell kids are little-recruited, non-scholarship athletes, Kentucky kids are full-scholarship (and then some, John Wall has probably seen his fair share of cars, cash, Ashley Judd conjugal visits, and God knows what else). Cornell kids are smart, white (read: scrappy), and hard-working. Kentucky kids are…well, they are John Calipari recruits. Would love to see this Cinderella keep dancing, but it seems like the clock might strike midnight against the Wildcats.

Northern Iowa- The Country Girl. For years we’ve heard how good the Missouri Valley Conference is, but it’s one of those things you hear and then quickly forget. Probably because it produces a different good team every year: Drake, Bradley, and Wichita State all have made recent tourney runs. Or it might be because no one cares about the Midwest (America's desert). Either way, Northern Iowa pulled off the biggest upset of the tournament to date and pretty much captured the attention of a nation by knocking off Kansas. To top it off, up next they have those dirty, filthy Spartans from Michigan State: the team that has become the epitome of tournament success over the past decade. The guy that hit the biggest shot for UNI was Ali Farokhmanesh, and if nothing else, that is just fun to say. Taking that shot took epically sized balls, were talking Elephantiasis, bowling ball sized balls, and he not only took it but he wetted it. Northern Iowa, in my mind, is the leading candidate to move on at this point, because they already slayed Goliath. Now they just have to deal with that green team from the dirty cesspool they call suburban Detroit.

Saint Mary’s – The Aussie Chick. The Brothers Outback. Where do I even start with this team? They have five Australians and a dude named Sandman. To top it off, Sandman’s nickname is Beast, which naturally he has tattooed on his inner lip. His YouTube nickname is poopshower. and he said this after the Nova game:

“I get it,” he said. “I’m a slow white guy, and I’m overweight. So maybe you don’t respect me because I have good numbers. But after I kill you the first half, what are you waiting for? I don’t know what he wanted. Did he want me to have 40?”

You really can’t make this stuff up. One man does not a team make, but one Sandman makes this team significantly better. Next up for the Gaels is the team that took it one step farther than Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. One thing we know about Baylor, they’ll back up their shit talking. It's going to be one hell of a battle.

All three of these sweethearts could win, or all three could lose. But one thing we know for sure is how awesome March Madness is. Here's to a great second weekend.

Ball?

A brief overview of the history of "ball?"

Men compulsively need to have a ball. Let's be honest, whenever there is a ball in the room, every man needs to have it in his possession. It's really just an instinctual reaction...the room essentially turns into a prehistoric scramble for the ball, with the velocity of the ball exponentially increasing at each subsequent toss, razzle dazzle behind the back passes frequently occurring, and balls getting hucked off the wall or anything else that is sturdy enough to withstand the onslaught. Essentially anything to assert your dominance over the man next to you. This phenomenon can be observed simply by dropping any ball of any size into any room of 3 or more men. Unfortunately, as the pissing contest gets longer and longer, every pass becomes more dangerous...and as we know, all good things must come to an end. As such, there are only five things that can bring a close to the game that is ball:

1. A breaking of the Sports Machine (television). Anything 42" or greater or HD capable requires immediate cessation of the game and a period of mourning, but truly the loss of any sports machine is a tragedy. [Penance: 3+ weeks, NO BALL, and replacement of the Sports Machine as rapidly as humanly possible, pilfering one from the local Best Buy if absolutely necessary]

2. The breaking of an Internet Machine (computer and/or internet capable mobile device). Come on, whats the first thing you turn to when you hear a sports statistic you don't believe/understand, don't know where a random dude played college ball or made his name, or want to find the name of that fine ass chick in the axe commercial? The internet machine is our portal to the world, and the greatest invention since Joey Gutenberg thrust the printing press upon the unwashed masses. [2-3 weeks, no ball and device replacement required]

3. The spillage and or breakage of an incendiary device. This blog doesn't exist without sometimes partaking in the herbal remedies. Not only does this incident reduce the mood in the room to that of a funeral parlor (as would the two above this) but it could also drastically reduce the fun of any future Sports/Internet machine activities. [No ball until device replaced]

4. Overturning a beverage container. Cleaning up a spilled drink is no fun at all, and anybody bent over with a paper towel sopping up the Bud Heavy looks like a fucking asshole while everyone else watches him do it (although we would hope to find a female to help out on this one). This could also directly lead to a #2 incident, adding insult to injury. Also, please use a goddamn coaster, we aren't savages and we respect wood. [No ball until spill is cleaned, offender is silently shunned for the remainder of the session]

5. Putting an eye out. [Laugh, tend to the injured, resume ball]

Ball games are not limited to mere tossing back and forth. Rules, point systems, and penalties can all be implemented, and all add to the fun of the game. Decent ball based diversions will be discussed as they are invented. In addition, these rules can really be applied to anything that can result in a competition, because who are we kidding, anything we can do to relive past glory and be a winner again we will result in the formulation of some kind of game.

(However, these rules are really only guidelines. If the itch to play ball becomes overwhelming, lobbying for resumption of the game can be made and the game can be resumed if IOU's or anything of value (including one's word, if valued) is offered as collateral.