Ball?

A brief overview of the history of "ball?"

Men compulsively need to have a ball. Let's be honest, whenever there is a ball in the room, every man needs to have it in his possession. It's really just an instinctual reaction...the room essentially turns into a prehistoric scramble for the ball, with the velocity of the ball exponentially increasing at each subsequent toss, razzle dazzle behind the back passes frequently occurring, and balls getting hucked off the wall or anything else that is sturdy enough to withstand the onslaught. Essentially anything to assert your dominance over the man next to you. This phenomenon can be observed simply by dropping any ball of any size into any room of 3 or more men. Unfortunately, as the pissing contest gets longer and longer, every pass becomes more dangerous...and as we know, all good things must come to an end. As such, there are only five things that can bring a close to the game that is ball:

1. A breaking of the Sports Machine (television). Anything 42" or greater or HD capable requires immediate cessation of the game and a period of mourning, but truly the loss of any sports machine is a tragedy. [Penance: 3+ weeks, NO BALL, and replacement of the Sports Machine as rapidly as humanly possible, pilfering one from the local Best Buy if absolutely necessary]

2. The breaking of an Internet Machine (computer and/or internet capable mobile device). Come on, whats the first thing you turn to when you hear a sports statistic you don't believe/understand, don't know where a random dude played college ball or made his name, or want to find the name of that fine ass chick in the axe commercial? The internet machine is our portal to the world, and the greatest invention since Joey Gutenberg thrust the printing press upon the unwashed masses. [2-3 weeks, no ball and device replacement required]

3. The spillage and or breakage of an incendiary device. This blog doesn't exist without sometimes partaking in the herbal remedies. Not only does this incident reduce the mood in the room to that of a funeral parlor (as would the two above this) but it could also drastically reduce the fun of any future Sports/Internet machine activities. [No ball until device replaced]

4. Overturning a beverage container. Cleaning up a spilled drink is no fun at all, and anybody bent over with a paper towel sopping up the Bud Heavy looks like a fucking asshole while everyone else watches him do it (although we would hope to find a female to help out on this one). This could also directly lead to a #2 incident, adding insult to injury. Also, please use a goddamn coaster, we aren't savages and we respect wood. [No ball until spill is cleaned, offender is silently shunned for the remainder of the session]

5. Putting an eye out. [Laugh, tend to the injured, resume ball]

Ball games are not limited to mere tossing back and forth. Rules, point systems, and penalties can all be implemented, and all add to the fun of the game. Decent ball based diversions will be discussed as they are invented. In addition, these rules can really be applied to anything that can result in a competition, because who are we kidding, anything we can do to relive past glory and be a winner again we will result in the formulation of some kind of game.

(However, these rules are really only guidelines. If the itch to play ball becomes overwhelming, lobbying for resumption of the game can be made and the game can be resumed if IOU's or anything of value (including one's word, if valued) is offered as collateral.